Tuesday, July 11, 2006

It's a given that what you say and do while your children are growing up will affect them for the rest of their lives. We as parents like to think that all the positive attributes our children have are due to our skill as parents and all the negatives must have come from outside influences. I think we think that because in reality we are so desperately insecure about our skills as parents. Even though my kids are 32 and 30 I still feel desperately insecure. My mother dying when I was 16 left me being a surrogate mom to my sister who was only 10 at the time. My sister turned out to have lots of problems and has suffered with many emotional issues. I think all my adult life I have felt responsible for the way she has turned out. It has influenced how I parented my daughter. Feeling inadequate I was always scared that my sister turned out the way she did because of me and that my own daughter would turn out the same. Only in reality I know now that so many things influenced my sister and that it wasn't just me, but that doesn't relieve my insecurity when my daughter calls in true desperation and I can't offer her any help. In fact I probably made it worse. I referred her to being like my sister. She is nothing like my sister. She is a wonderful and caring mother and person. She thinks of others before herself. She's beautiful inside and out and even when she goes a little bonkers she's still nothing like my sister. You see my sister may have emotional issues but she is also only concerned about herself. She was not and is not mother material. But when I call my daughter my sister's name it's my own insecurity speaking. I wish I could go back in time and make my daughter realize what an amazing person she was and still is, but I can't. I can't even take back what I said today or do anything to make her forget that. The best I can do is try not to keep making the same mistakes over and over. What ever reference I made all those years ago, were never meant to damage her the rest of her life, they were only my way of trying to be a better parent. Life's lessons do they ever give you a break.

On to a cheerier subject. Scrapbooking! Where have I been all those years? This digital stuff is just so addicting. Not only do I get to be creative, but there is no mess! Well my computer might beg to differ, but my house isn't filling up with even more stuff. I feel like I'm learning and using my brain. I just can't wait until I get good. I'm afraid it'll be awhile, but it sure is fun in the meantime. Hopefully I'll still get some other things done this summer. But I can't complain this has been a great summer so far.

I thought this dreary blog needed a picture. Spring flowers were the best I could do. Maybe I should get some summer flower pictures. Ya think!

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